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  I scanned my eyes around the room, thinking about all the lives which her research could save. I wanted to give even more money to this place now, some for the kids, some for the research. Anything to make a big difference.

  Chapter 34 – Madison

  Wednesday

  As soon as I saw Tina, guilt flooded me. I sent her away last night when she made such an effort to come and see me, but I was just so tired. Weirdly, not long after I got back home, I collapsed into bed, and I fell fast asleep. I suppose all those nights of barely sleeping at all had finally caught up with me now that I knew there was nothing to worry about. I was just too tired to speak to anyone, and now I felt terrible.

  “Tina.” I sped up to catch up to her. “I’m so sorry about last night. I can’t believe I sent you away.”

  “Oh no, don’t worry. I know you were tired. It must have been a shattering day, I was just worried, that’s all.”

  “But a good one.” I couldn’t believe I’d not even told her my news. “The lump is benign.”

  I watched as her shoulders uncurled from her ears, which made me feel even guiltier. I’d been so lost in how this potential diagnosis would affect me I didn’t much think about other people. I barely considered Tina at all. I wouldn’t let myself get like that again. I didn’t like thinking that I’d acted in a selfish way.

  “Oh, my goodness.” She slung her arms around me and held me tight. “That’s amazing news. Honestly.”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks. I didn’t even notice them coming; they seemed to spring from nowhere. One moment my face was completely dry, the next it was soaking. But it was happy tears. Everything had color again; I wasn’t sinking in grayness. I’d bee so tightly wound that I could barely see past my own nose. Now I felt like I could see everything again and it was wonderful. I didn’t ever want to be stuck in that limbo again.

  “Yeah, I know, I’m really happy. I couldn’t believe it when I heard the doctor say that. I’m fine. After all that stress, all that heartache. I almost don’t know what to do with the information; it’s crazy.”

  She pulled back to look me in the eye and smiled. I could see happiness in her gaze once more which made me very happy. At least she wasn’t furious with me for my behavior. I loved her for that.

  “I need to take you out,” I told her decisively. “To dinner or something, to say thank you for you being there. There’s no way in hell I would be able to get through everything I had without you by my side.”

  She stepped back from me with her hands still on my arms. “I appreciate that, but will Parker be coming with us?” I didn’t answer her immediately; I just gave her a look. “Well, he has been there for you a lot.”

  “Maybe.” I folded my arms defensively across my chest. “But he’s also been hard work too.”

  I wasn’t even sure why I was arguing this; I knew that she was right. I just felt defensive, like it wasn’t all my fault. He might have had my best interests at heart, but he didn’t act in the right way about it. He didn’t listen to me or read my body language. He didn’t see what I wanted and he needed. It felt very selfish to me.

  “I know, but he’s been very supportive. He waited here all day long to see how you got on yesterday.”

  “But how did he even know...?” Why did I even ask that? “Oh, of course, you spoke to him.”

  “Only because he wanted to know how you were. He’s desperate, you know. He needs to know.”

  I didn’t want to hear it; this wasn’t what I expected at all. I just thought I’d get a bit of a telling off from Tina for turning her away the night before; I didn’t expect her to start on me about Parker.

  “I’ll tell him,” I shot back pettily, acting like a teenager. “Maybe after work. I need to be ready.”

  Tina rested her hand on my shoulder before I could escape and she stared me dead in the eyes. “He deserves to know, honestly. I know that things might not be good at the moment, but he has been good.”

  Guilt twisted in my gut, I knew everything that she was saying was correct. He had been good, always, throughout my whole life, even during the times when it was difficult, and he’s stuck around through all of this too. Even as I’d pushed him away, he kept coming back over and over again. Even yesterday after I told him to leave me alone and I sent him that curt message. He didn’t want to give up on me even when I gave up myself.

  “Well, for now, I just need to get to work,” I replied, pushing it to the back of my mind a little while longer. “I have lots on today, I need to make up for not being here yesterday, or the last few days actually.”

  “Don’t be upset with me; I’m just trying to make you see...” Tina tried, but I walked away from her. “I thought you would want to speak to him by now...” she continued to yell. “I’m sorry, I just want to help.”

  “I know,” I yelled back. “But I cannot deal with this right now, I’m sorry. Give me some time, okay?”

  I didn’t want to be a jerk, but I couldn’t keep talking about this any longer. I needed to get out before I lost my mind. Maybe Tina didn’t realize it, but she’d opened a can of worms that I wasn’t totally ready for. I needed to calm myself down, to stop worrying about Parker, and to just focus on my work for a little while.

  Deep down, I knew that I was only burying my head in the sand again, but I couldn’t help it. It seemed to be my knee-jerk reaction. I just hoped that by the time I came back around again, he wasn’t gone. I didn’t want to lose him completely... which I suppose, didn’t explain why I was acting like such a freak, but there you go.

  “HEY, KIDS,” I BREATHED out a deep sigh as I made my way into the children’s ward. “How’s it going?”

  I just needed a break from the research lab; I guess my head wasn’t in it as much as I hoped it would be. Much as I thought that some things were sorted, it wasn’t enough. I still had too many problems to deal with.

  “Hey, Madison!” They all gathered around me, pulling at my clothing. “We missed you.”

  I broke out into a smile. I had missed these lot too. I hadn’t been able to come here for ages while I went through my own scare and now I wanted to be here twice as much to make up for it.

  “I’ve missed you all too. Why don’t you catch me up? Tell me what I’ve missed while I’ve been busy.”

  “Oh, well Parker came to play with us yesterday all day, and that was really fun!” one of the young girls, Lizzy, said with a shining expression. “We like Parker; he’s really kind to us. You have a nice boyfriend.”

  “Oh, no...” I stopped myself just before I got into the whole sorry saga. What was I even thinking? I couldn’t exactly get into it with a child. “Yes,” I said instead. “Parker is great. He’s a lot of fun to be around.”

  “He even won a game of Bingo! He cheered really loudly and made all of us laugh.”

  “Yeah, and then he did that funny dance for us, do you remember that? While he read the book.”

  “He sang Old MacDonald had a Farm as well. Even though he couldn’t sing very well.”

  All the children burst into tales of how wonderful Parker was which left me feeling even worse. He was great; I knew that better than anyway, so what the hell was wrong with me? I’d give myself the excuse that I couldn’t see him until after I had the diagnosis, but now I was still making excuses. Maybe making a phone call or sending a text message was too hard, but I could see him face to face. I’d left it too long to contact him in any other way.

  I will go today, I told myself firmly. No more excuses. An hour here, then I’ll leave. I’ll face him, finally.

  “Well, Parker isn’t the only one who’s fun,” I told them all. “So, why don’t we all have some fun. I can do whatever you want today. Although maybe not sing. My voice is even worse than Parker’s!”

  It wasn’t an excuse this time, just a moment to gather myself up. Also, I couldn’t just come here and not play with the kids; I’d already been away for far too long. They needed some of me just like I did them.
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br />   THE CAR RIDE TO PARKER’S home made me feel nervous. Actually, I felt more anxious as I drove then when I made my way to the hospital to get my results. I felt wild and out of control then, knowing that I didn’t have any power over what came out of the doctor’s mouth, but somehow this was much worse.

  Whatever Parker could say to me now could quite easily tear me apart just as much as the results and I didn’t want to be ripped to shreds by him. Even if I deserved it, even if Tina’s word should reassure me that wouldn’t happen, I still felt freaking terrified. My heart thundered, my mouth and throat ran cotton dry, I was pretty much shaking all over. But still, I drove. I didn’t let my nerves get the better of me; I didn’t make any more excuses. The way I saw it, it was now or never. If I didn’t go through with this now, I wouldn’t ever do it, and that would destroy me. After everything that I’d been through, I really didn’t want to end up asking ‘what if?’

  The closer I got to Parker’s home, the more of a mistake this felt. I should have just kept in touch via text message. I should have called him so many times. That would have been so much simpler than this.

  I hit the button to call Tina on speaker phone, needing her reassurance again.

  “You’ll be fine,” she announced as soon as she answered the phone. “Didn’t we just go through this?”

  “I know,” I whined back pitifully. “But I’m scared he’s going to hate me.”

  “Trust me, I saw into his eyes; there isn’t any way that man will ever hate you. He’s just worried; I very much think that he’ll be glad just to hear you’re okay. That’s all he’s wanted to know all along. Just that you’re alright.”

  “Oh, God.” Panic struck me again as I drove up to his doorway to see no car there. “He’s not in.”

  “Don’t you dare go anywhere,” Tina growled back. “I just had to talk you into going; I don’t want to go through all of that again. You’ve made it now; do not turn around or I will lose my shit, okay?”

  I had to laugh, I couldn’t help it, but the sound was strangled. The strain was very evident. “Okay, I won’t go anywhere, I promise you. I’ll sit here and wait for him to come, hopefully, he won’t be too much longer.”

  Almost as if I’d summoned him up purely by being there, I heard the car engine that could only belong to him. I turned slowly, preparing myself, and there he was, pulling up in his car, seeking me out.

  “Never mind,” I sighed dejectedly “Here he is. I guess it’s time.”

  “Good luck!” Tina sounded much too chirpy. “I hope it all goes well.”

  Chapter 35 – Parker

  Wednesday

  “What the hell?” I muttered to myself as I pulled up the car. “Is that Maddie’s car?”

  I knew it was; I wasn’t even sure why I was questioning it. I would know that car anywhere in the world. It was just strange to see it sitting outside my home as if the last few days hadn’t happened. Obviously now she felt ready to talk to me about it, and although I’d been so keen to find out the truth, now I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know. It was the same reason that I hadn’t called and demanded that Tina tell me everything, because I feared the truth. There was one very negative way that it could go, and I wouldn’t ever be ready to listen to it.

  Don’t be an idiot, I told myself while carefully peeling my fingers off the steering wheel. If she’s been brave enough to come here to talk to me, then I need to be man enough to hear it. It’s the only way.

  With a few ragged breaths, I finally slid out of the car, and I stood by my hood while I waited for her to come out too. It seemed to take her a while, much too long for my jittery, impatient heart, but I waited all the same. It was a huge challenge to ignore the voice inside of me screaming at me to dive back into the car and drive off, but I ignored it. if I was going to be the man I promised myself that I would be, then that needed me to be here.

  Finally, her car door opened and I saw her leg extend, followed by the rest of her body. My heart skipped about ten beats while I waited to see her face, to gauge her expression, but that didn’t come immediately either. Her hair hung in front of her eyes, making it impossible to see until she spun all the way around to look at me.

  She doesn’t look crushed. That was the first thought to pop into my brain. She seems okay to me.

  But I couldn’t be sure, there was still a lot of shock involved, so until I heard it directly from her mouth I couldn’t relax. So, instead, I went for the next easiest thing to say. “Do you want to come inside?”

  Maddie nodded enthusiastically. I hoped that once we were inside she’d feel much freer to talk. I led the way up my path and unlocked the door. Almost immediately, a strange sensation filled the house; it was almost as if the walls knew just how stressful this situation was. It made my shoulders hunch up around my ears.

  “Do you want a hot drink?” I needed to do something to break the ice. “A coffee, or something?”

  “Yes, please.” Her voice was tart. “A coffee sounds amazing, thank you.”

  She took a seat in my kitchen, a place where she’d been a million times before, but this time it felt different, and I didn’t think it was in a good way. It didn’t help that the words she’d screamed at me kept circling my head. How she wanted me to leave her alone, to not speak to her again, how I treated her like she was dying...

  No. I shook my head rapidly. Don’t get lost in that right now. There isn’t about that.

  I poured the coffee into two mugs and slid one across to her. Maddie took it and curled her hands around it as if she needed it for warmth. She didn’t drink it for a while, nor did she take her hands off it. She held onto it as if it was the only thing keeping her alive, which caused so much panic to dart through my body.

  “So, erm, am I allowed to ask you if you’re okay?” I finally blurted out in a gravelly tone. “I’ve been worried.”

  “Oh, no, I know. I’m sorry.” Finally, she forced her eyes upright, and they connected with mine. I could see tons of emotion there; she was an absolute ocean of feelings. I wanted to hold her, to reassure her that everything would be okay. “Sorry, I haven’t told you before, I don’t know why. The lump was benign.”

  “Benign... that’s good?” I wasn’t one hundred percent sure. Not until she nodded. “Oh, thank goodness.”

  I felt about a million times lighter; I didn’t even realize what a heavy weight it was until it lifted. It flew free allowing my lungs to gain more air and my heart to beat better. She was going to be alright; everything was fine... except, I wasn’t totally sure if it was good news. For us. If she wanted to be with me after getting the good news then wouldn’t she have come for me right away? She had waited for a whole day, which didn’t seem positive.

  “That’s fantastic!” Despite what it meant for me I was still very happy for her. “You must be pleased.”

  “It’s a big weight lifted, that’s for sure. I’m glad it went that way, I was very scared!”

  “I can only imagine.” Was it just me or could I feel her pulling away? I ran my eyes all over her wishing that I could pull her back to me. I didn’t like this distance; it freaked me out, it made me think that the end was coming. It took everything I had not to cling desperately to her, to beg her to be mine. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. If her mind had already been made up, then I needed to set my own feelings to one side, or I risked losing her for good.

  “So, erm...” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I just want to say that I’m really sorry for how I acted the other day. That was really wrong of me, and I feel bad for it. I should never have spoken to you as I did.”

  “Oh no, it’s okay.” I didn’t want her to feel bad about it. Especially not now. “I understand. You were going through a hard time, and I wasn’t doing what you wanted. I was just doing what I thought best.”

  “It isn’t an excuse.” She reached out and held onto my hand, making my heart skip a beat. “I just shouldn’t have done it. I got wrapped up in my own worry I didn’t think
about anyone else. It was wrong. I know I’ve been acting selfishly through all of this and I feel bad, I just got really freaked out, especially when I thought of Mom.”

  “I think we all did.” I still wanted to pull her closer to me, but I wasn’t sure if the moment was right.

  “There’s something else that I’ve been holding in as well.” As she chewed on her bottom lip, I couldn’t help but notice that she looked a little guilty. I sucked in a breath as I tried to prepare myself. “And I don’t know why I’ve been holding it in really. I have known it for a while; it doesn’t make any sense.”

  She was babbling, getting herself tied up in knots. I felt responsible enough to want to help her. “Hey, Maddie, it’s okay. Whatever you have to say, even if I don’t like it, just say it. It’s fine.”

  God, I hoped this wasn’t going to be something that I didn’t like. I was all tied up ad twisted, freaked out by the idea that everything was about to blow up in my face. I feared her telling me that it was over.

  “I...” Her cheeks flamed red; I felt my stomach churn. I half feared that I might throw up everywhere before she could say anything at all. “I love you, Parker. I really do love you; I don’t know why I didn’t say it before.”

  “You love me?” I could stop the giant smile from spreading across my face. “You really love me?”

  “Yes.” She giggled the most adorable sound that I’d ever heard in my life. It warmed up and tingled in my chest. “I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it, would I? Honestly, you’re such a fool.”

  “A fool who loves you too,” I replied much more seriously this time. “And I know that it’s scary to take that step since we’ve been friends for such a long time, it feels weird to dive in, but it feels right at the same time.”